I make lists. They keep me sane. Here's what kept me busy last night:
"Before 30s Goal:
1/5) backpack Europe/amerika/south america
1) be a big dog owner (and a macaw bird, too! I want one!)
2) done half way through my PH travel list
4/5) self investment: driving, diving license, coursera certificate on sustainability courses, MA, technical and creative workshops, in a relationship with a good mentor, cooking, swimming, shooting, krav maga and tantric massage
1/3) publish a book/make a film - simply: create and make something off of it
1/2/3/5)financial flexibility:
(Min) 1 million worth of asset value: as a person + properties + business, investment (not including insurance), karu, library, furniture, etc
1 million liquid asset/savings
What 31-35 looks like:
1/4) creator: anak(?!??!!!?) writer, direk
2/4) bahay out of the city
1/3) entrepreneur: owns businessesessss
4/2) live out your sustainability advocacy
How 36-40 should be like:
1) hmmm, apparently, just tonight I realize that I want 6 and 8 year old kids by 40
Imagine:
My twins making sand castles while I lay on the beach reading the economist, but really, I don't give a fuck 'bout the world anymore (kids are legit reasons not to give a shit) 'coz later that night, I'll have good food, wine and sex. Am good.
(Seriously, I want that.)
**second book
**traveling motha of two
Rest of my days:
More creation. Create more. Make everything in your world better. End of life goal: not to become a sad old hag"
(That's about right.)
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My father's already out of the hospital. His condition is apparently way too advance for what we can handle. For what our money can handle actually. The doctors advised pallative care as our best, and most economical option, at this point. (Yes, I Googled it, too.)
End of life care is what it is. Sweet way for the medical industry to say, "nope, no can't do nothing 'bout that. Next!"
I'm angry. I felt robbed. In situations where choice is not an option, we're left with the barest: life and death. If life is no longer an option and you're left to deal with death...how? Just how do you do it? It's not as if, somebody came back from the other side, and wrote a book about it. All I know now is that days are very unpredictable. As if you're trapped in the mercy of your darkest and best selves. You are reminded of what's alive and dead inside you. One day, so angry and agitated. The next, so hopeful and poignant. Dealing with life and death tips you off your human balance. Sanity is precious in days of life and death.
And on days like these, I create a bubble. A defense I put up to keep my precious sanity just right where it is hanging. Keeping it there - where it is hanging in a balance - is my day's work. A bubble filled with bright days ahead: dreams fulfilled, goals reached, while all my loved ones are alive and well. Nobody dying, everybody laughing. Bright lively days.
In the next coming months, it seems that our family will have to watch our dad slowly wither.
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Bright lively days ahead.