Maturity is a curious case. We grow-up believing that at some point somewhere, it will come to us. Then, things happen. Adult things happen - leaving school, failure, worst job, best job, marriage, kids, more kids, failed marriage, broken heart, being broke and loosing someone. Real life things happen, and alas, it has come.
I find this tricky. Nobody is ever ready when big real life events happen and shake our lives. In this case, we are forced to grow up. We have to be mature - however we know how - to get through. Baptism by fire is still the most effective rite of passage in life. But only when it does not keep us from opening ourselves up to the world.
This is the part I find tricky. How can you keep yourself from thinking the world gets you when, really, it hurts so much? In moments of divine pain, all you hear is blah. Everything you see is darkness and there is only one truth: this, this devastating event is happening now. Why?
The need to answer why is our one-way ticket out. The answer as to why has shaped human affairs for millenia. From philosophers to scientists to religion to Eat, Pray, Love. In our own lives, making-sense of "why" help us go forward. We assign meaning to things to make them bearable. Here's where the danger comes in. Assigning meaning is a consequence, not a cause. When meaning becomes a cause, we become more in control of our lives. This is when we really grow-up. Maturity and finding life's meaning are composites of a vicious cycle. They feed each other. As one consciously decides to be mature, one's life meaning is forged. As one consciously lives a meaningful life, the responsibility of maturity becomes inevitable. Either way, it is a conscious decision we have to make. We don't only become mature people because bad things happen to us, we choose to be one as a result. Conversely, we can be mature people even if good things keep on happening to us. But that's not really how life goes, does it?
So now, how? How do we find meaning and grow up?
1) Believe
That you are right and that you can be wrong. But one must believe in something at any given point. Believing is a skill. It must be learned, unlearned and honed. When you do learn it, use it wisely. When you unlearn it, admit it then hone it, so you become better at it the next time around. The first step to believing is honesty. Honestly ask yourself why you believe in something. You will be surprised at your own answers.
Believing is both a mental and emotional journey. You cannot believe something you don't feel. You cannot believe something you don't understand. Same way that you cannot un-believe something you feel and understand. Ah, what a tedious business. Who wants a tedious life?
Then again, whoever said it's easy. That is why you have to...
2) Be grounded
It's tedious, that's why you have to be grounded. Digging deep mentally and emotionally is dangerous that you might end up getting stuck there somewhere without realizing it. Consciously being grounded helps you keep back on track, to go back to basics, to answer the most pressing and practical questions: It also makes us realize that it's not always about us. Being grounded is the first step to taking action, to movement, back to life. Life is, after all, movement. But movement requires force. Life decisions that are not grounded are chaotic movement. Life decisions that are grounded on shaky beliefs are dangerous. And how do you know? When you can't...
3) Open up
The act of opening up takes courage. Insecure people can't open up because they are scared to be wrong. They are scared to be judged. Judgmental people think they got it right. Both groups of people have something in common: they don't know how to connect. And these people can't generally laugh at themselves.
Mature people who find their life's meaning aren't scared. They decided to face the darkness within head on - went to hell and back. That's how they see that proverbial light within. The danger here is demanding the same thing from other people. You cannot expect other people to willingly open up as you do, but you cannot help not to judge them either. But here is when it becomes ever more pressing to consciously choose to grow up and find your own life's meaning. Because you will learn a good sense of...
4) Timing
You will always get it wrong. When and what to say to a friend in distress? When to ask for help only to feel more vulnerable ? You always get it wrong both ways. When to take risks, how to manage them, when to let loose and when to stop. Life doesn't rain on us checklists and guidelines on when, how, where things should be done. What life always does, however, is to constantly rain on our parade. Whoever said life is perfect is probably dead by now. Death is the anathema of meaning. It is because of death why we need meaning. But most people get it wrong about one thing: they equate imperfection to death. Figuratively, of course. Life is not perfect, what a cliche. Still, many people don't get it. Still, the difference between the rest of the world and those mature people who find their life's meaning is that they...
5) Don't give a damn.
I find this tricky. Nobody is ever ready when big real life events happen and shake our lives. In this case, we are forced to grow up. We have to be mature - however we know how - to get through. Baptism by fire is still the most effective rite of passage in life. But only when it does not keep us from opening ourselves up to the world.
This is the part I find tricky. How can you keep yourself from thinking the world gets you when, really, it hurts so much? In moments of divine pain, all you hear is blah. Everything you see is darkness and there is only one truth: this, this devastating event is happening now. Why?
The need to answer why is our one-way ticket out. The answer as to why has shaped human affairs for millenia. From philosophers to scientists to religion to Eat, Pray, Love. In our own lives, making-sense of "why" help us go forward. We assign meaning to things to make them bearable. Here's where the danger comes in. Assigning meaning is a consequence, not a cause. When meaning becomes a cause, we become more in control of our lives. This is when we really grow-up. Maturity and finding life's meaning are composites of a vicious cycle. They feed each other. As one consciously decides to be mature, one's life meaning is forged. As one consciously lives a meaningful life, the responsibility of maturity becomes inevitable. Either way, it is a conscious decision we have to make. We don't only become mature people because bad things happen to us, we choose to be one as a result. Conversely, we can be mature people even if good things keep on happening to us. But that's not really how life goes, does it?
So now, how? How do we find meaning and grow up?
1) Believe
That you are right and that you can be wrong. But one must believe in something at any given point. Believing is a skill. It must be learned, unlearned and honed. When you do learn it, use it wisely. When you unlearn it, admit it then hone it, so you become better at it the next time around. The first step to believing is honesty. Honestly ask yourself why you believe in something. You will be surprised at your own answers.
Believing is both a mental and emotional journey. You cannot believe something you don't feel. You cannot believe something you don't understand. Same way that you cannot un-believe something you feel and understand. Ah, what a tedious business. Who wants a tedious life?
Then again, whoever said it's easy. That is why you have to...
2) Be grounded
It's tedious, that's why you have to be grounded. Digging deep mentally and emotionally is dangerous that you might end up getting stuck there somewhere without realizing it. Consciously being grounded helps you keep back on track, to go back to basics, to answer the most pressing and practical questions: It also makes us realize that it's not always about us. Being grounded is the first step to taking action, to movement, back to life. Life is, after all, movement. But movement requires force. Life decisions that are not grounded are chaotic movement. Life decisions that are grounded on shaky beliefs are dangerous. And how do you know? When you can't...
3) Open up
The act of opening up takes courage. Insecure people can't open up because they are scared to be wrong. They are scared to be judged. Judgmental people think they got it right. Both groups of people have something in common: they don't know how to connect. And these people can't generally laugh at themselves.
Mature people who find their life's meaning aren't scared. They decided to face the darkness within head on - went to hell and back. That's how they see that proverbial light within. The danger here is demanding the same thing from other people. You cannot expect other people to willingly open up as you do, but you cannot help not to judge them either. But here is when it becomes ever more pressing to consciously choose to grow up and find your own life's meaning. Because you will learn a good sense of...
4) Timing
You will always get it wrong. When and what to say to a friend in distress? When to ask for help only to feel more vulnerable ? You always get it wrong both ways. When to take risks, how to manage them, when to let loose and when to stop. Life doesn't rain on us checklists and guidelines on when, how, where things should be done. What life always does, however, is to constantly rain on our parade. Whoever said life is perfect is probably dead by now. Death is the anathema of meaning. It is because of death why we need meaning. But most people get it wrong about one thing: they equate imperfection to death. Figuratively, of course. Life is not perfect, what a cliche. Still, many people don't get it. Still, the difference between the rest of the world and those mature people who find their life's meaning is that they...
5) Don't give a damn.